Salvaging Home Movies from DVD to Mpeg

I recently accidentally deleted all of my home movies from my computer!

I was pretty devestated but thankfully had them backed up as watchable DVDs. I wanted to get them back onto my PC and I found this free program that made it easy and quick to rip DVDs to MPEGS.

http://www.winxdvd.com/?ins=dr5.5.8

"In the Depths of My Soul"

In the depths of my soul





there are reasons to breathe





thousands of reasons








fortunes and failur






that I still believe




es



mehow trusting God



is





people try to control
s
o never their goal



despite the sadness



ess



one day w





pain and fear

continual hope that happi
nould appear


or heavens s
for optimism

fake



owerment



for ta


is frowned upon
in this day and age

and em
pking a chance
threatens others
when they take a glance






is long overdue


but somehow Lord
I trust in you
that my time of happines
s

In the depths of my soul
there is love to give
for someone who chooses



ng love



slow to 


in me to believe

for giving is
what creates
happiness
negotiates

forgiv
ianger
peacful doves
never danger

for open hearts
attract eachother
not gambling cards



idance guides



H


to love another

for letting Christ
into your soul
the focus being
Him your goal

His g
ue holds your steps
and falter you will
ever yet

My Favourite Things

Favourite Films


I tend to really like individual actors and be drawn towards all their films.. rather than random selections although there are some randoms


Males - John Krasinski, Christian Slater, Steve Carrell, Jim Carey, Josh Harnett, Andrew Mcarthey, Anthony Michael Hall, Steve Martin, Dan Ackroyd, Jared Leto, James Marsden, Josh Jackson, Eric Mabius, Kevin Bacon

Females - Mandy Moore, Kate Hudson, Drew Barrymore, Claire Danes, Sandra Bullock, Sigourney Weaver, Christina Ricci, Katherine Heigal, Cameron Diaz, Mariss Tomei


Licenced to Wed
Pearl Harbour
How to Lose a guy in 10 days
Trading Places
How to Deal
Saved
American Dreamz
American Psycho
Heathers
16 Candles
Ferris Buellers Day Off
Dirty Dancing
Step Up
Shall We Dance
Stricly Ballroom
A Walk to Remember
Pumpkin
Bride Wars
Gossip
Resident Evil 1,2,3
Friday the 13th 1,2,3
Aliens / Alien
Uncle Buck
Home Alone 1 & 2
Planes Trains and Automobiles
Untamed Heart
Pump up the Volume
The Chumbscrubber
Weekend at Bernies
Pay it Forward
7 Pounds
Interview with the Vampire
Raising Helen
How to Lose a guy in 10 Days
Devil Wears Prada
Maid in Manhattan
The Running Man
Never Been Kissed
The Wedding Singer
Donny Darko



As a kid I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger until he started going in comedy films then I felt he lost some credibility as an action man.

c)Favourite Card Games - Cheat & SkipBo - Uno/Canasta / 7 Card stud Poker

d)Favourite Sports - Baseball, Basketball, Golf, Tennis

e)Favourite Music - Hmm most stuff except death metal.. thousands of musicians to list

f)Favourite Brands - Mooks, Ladakh, Seduce, Doc Martens, Converse Chucks!

g)Favourite TV Shows - Seinfeld, The Office(US version) Desperate Housewives
The Brady Bunch, South Park, Fawlty Towers, Happy Days, King of the Hill

h)Favourite Stones - Onyx, Amber, Turquoise

i)Favourite Places - Grand Canyon, Cable Beach, Grousse Mountain
(and the graffiti wall in Fremantle)

j)Likes - I love Graffiti.. it makes me happy... I find beauty in some really rundown hoodlem type areas, i love nature too

k)Favourite Smell - freshly mowed grass

l)Alone or Together - I like to be with somebody most of the time. Sometimes I like just meditating on my own, usually when I'm out walking or excersizing I'm on the phone to a friend and I love having visitors. I work at home so I spend more time alone than I'd like

m)What makes you feel loved? - Well in christian circles there is actually a book called 'the 5 love languages' and it talks about how you might feel loved when you're touched, but your partner might not, your partner might feel more loved when you wash their dishes.. and it'ss about understanding how to make the other person feel loved. pretty good book
Out of the 5 they say most people have a primary and secondary however I scored equally high on 'words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch'
(the other 2 are acts of service and gifts)
all 5 apply to all people but most people have a more dominant. the tests online and its pretty good google it!

n) What are you listening to on your iPod right now?
well does my iPhone count? I don't have an iPod lol
well I have hundreds of songs on there but the last week or so I have mostly been listening to
'Next Contestant - Nickelback'
'Starlite Singers - g6'

The Quest for Love.. and "The Vow"

Just last month, on the 3rd of August.. I spent the day in New York City.

I took photographs of random strangers, I explored the Plaza Hotel... Purchased a blueberry pie at one of the Plazas stores.. and sat alone in Central Park to eat it.. Marveling the wonderment that is new york city.. I stood on the streets for minutes that seemed like hours.. watching the pigeons gather at the horses feet.. watching the horses take graceful steps that made the birds scatter into the sky.. trying to take the perfect photo.

I can't explain why eating a $7 blueberry pie from the Plaza Hotel in Central Park was special.. I can't explain why it was a 'moment'... I can only say that it was.

I've had people ask.. 'Why did you do that?' Asking a question like that seems perplexing to me.. Isn't it obvious why I did it?? Because I wanted to.. Because something about it felt good.. Because it felt like for that moment in time.. I was making my dream a reality.. At that moment in time.. I lived in New York City.. I worked for a magazine in Manhattan.. and I ate fancy food on our late afternoon lunch dates or early dinners on the go with them in the park in our fashionable clothing.. In that moment.. I was who I wanted to be.. and living where I wanted to live.. The bird ladies of central park, the pigeons, the street venders, all where a part of my every day life.. I realize now that anybody who would ask 'Why did you do that' just simply does not share or understand or comprehend my vision... At that moment I realized.. If you do not share my vision, you probably aren't going to feel like a fit in my life.

I realized how important it is in a life partner to find somebody who has the same vision as you.. 2 lives being like 2 lead characters in a movie.. In a movie the script is written to make the 2 main characters fit together.. In such a way love should join 2 people forever in harmony.. 2 people who share a vision.

I sat down tonight to watch 'The Vow'. It had that super hot guy from 'Dear John' in it.. If you haven't seen the film, his new wife loses her memory after a car accident. She doesn't remember her husband, and he gives up every part of his life and every effort of his soul to make her fall in love with him again..

This is the only way that love should be. The bible itself even says that a wife should be like the church, and the groom like Jesus.. Willing to die for the one that he loves. I've seen so many relationships that could be described only as a crock. Relationships where slashing each other apart and tearing each other down where the norm. Cheating, criticizing, living separate lives.. I sit here wondering.. For me a life without this kind of love is not worth living. To live a life without thta one person loving you is a fate worse than death.. worse than a horror film. I realize now that so many women (christian especially) don't actually understand this need in me.. Perhaps they themselves are happy to live lives alone.. Where they don't really matter to anyone.. Or perhaps they matter to so many people that one missing from their life will go unnoticed..

I am in neither of those categories.. I grew up alone, and even now I'm not sure which of my friends (if any) are in it for the long haul.. Some have let me down.. Some have left my life and come back.. Some I would like to 'break up' with but haven't gotten around to it.. After all, what if I couldn't replace them?

What if I got rid of the old dress full of holes and couldn't find another to replace it? Then I'd be left with a bigger hole in the wardrobe than before..

I can't relate to these women. These women that say 'ask yourself why you want love'.. I can't relate to them, and evident-ally their questions show they can't relate to me..

I live constantly trying to pretend I don't have this fear that almost swallows me hole. A fear that I will end up alone.. Half of my parents and all of my siblings chose not to be a part of my life from when I was a tiny child.. Having a strange mother and being a loud and free thinking child left me alone in my childhood.. For most of my life, there has been no family.. and no friends.. This is just one more reason that finding 'the one' is so important to me.. the more I watch movies like this, the more tears I shed.. wondering 'will it ever happen to me'.. I don't want to pretend to love somebody.. I've tried that before.. I don't want to be with somebody who is pretending to love me.. I've been down that road too.

My non christian girlfriends often suggest 'you're too picky' but you're giving your life to that person.. You don't find 'the one' by saying 'well I don't really like you but I'll force myself to'. It might work for some people, but to me that is a fate worse than being alone.

Every day I am forced to look in the mirror.. I look in the mirror, and I'm forced to face the eyes of a little girl whos older sisters and brother didn't want her.. whos male biological parent didn't want her.. and largely through life has dated, been rejected by, and had broken friendships with other people who didn't want her.

I see somebody who has continually been told by people that she's a disappointment, and is still being told by people that she's a disappointment.. I've always thought I was great.. but I've always wondered.. if I'm so great why doesn't somebody else see it.. and I've always acknowledged that whether I think I'm great or not isn't relevant if the world things I'm annoying, a nuisance, loud, and overbearing..

That brings me back to the original thought.. Is there anybody who will share my vision.. Is there such a thing as a soul mate.. I have friends who don't believe in soul mates.. They believe you can be compatible with many people and make a successful life long relationship with many.. That makes me feel like even more of a reject.. If there's many for some.. why isn't there any for me?

I have to juggle hope against uncertainty.. and it's like pushing a boulder uphill.. Every day that I am alone.. I shed tears.. Tears that nobody sees.. Tears I don't get to share.. Tears that make my cat purr. Tears that leave a sore ache that never goes away..

Silly things christians say to singles

Useful Computer Programs

Convert Audio Video files to other extensions or .exe files. http://www.softpedia.com/get/Multimedia/Audio/Audio-Convertors/Audio-Video-To-Exe.shtml Make Jpegs to Video http://www.snapfiles.com/get/jpgvideo.html DVD Author http://downloads.phpnuke.org/en/download-item-view-x-l-v-y-a/VIDEO%2BDVD%2BMAKER%2BPRO.htm Spybot, Adaware, AVG Antivirus, Avast antivirus, Windows Defender/Microsoft Defender, AdAware, Spy Doctor

November 2011 -Poem

I don't feel good I don't feel ok I'm downright sick of your using ways you ask for help I come and then you turn off your phone if I need a friend You think you're cool you think you're fine when it comes to birthdays you're first in line to ask me over coz you want gifts or call me up when you're needing a lift you ask for money won't chip in to help with birthdays or funerals you hide on the shelf you take and take and take some more but using is what youre best for you won't housesit or help me out but if you need help you'll scream and shout prepared to take not prepared to give coz absorbing everybody is the only way to live

First Boyfriend - 3 Month Poem

When my first boyfriend and I had our 3 month anniversary.. He didn't remember. It seems that's not all he didn't remember. It slipped his mind that he had photographs of an ex in his wallet.. I think this poem was an attempt to make up for that.. However the relationship really should have ended there. :) Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 9:21 PM Subject: Hello. Well, sorry I didn't send this to you yesterday, just something I wrote out for three months of going out. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a lot more "three month" poems. I love you so much. What's one love when there's two involved What's one dove when there's a flock of gold It's individuality and it's love evolved Both are so priceless they can never be sold Both take hard work and dedication Both when at peak are worth celebration Both when looked up at can cause revolution A whole new nation, a whole new solution Troubles and pains will still come in onslaught But that's what life's about, it's constantly bought But it'll be beat down 'cuase that's what we have sought All it takes is one love and only two thoughts Two souls to infuse as one to survive And if god honouring at his feet they'll arrive Both still together never to divide both will always be eternally alive That's how I guarantee you'll not go to hell We'll make it together, listen when I tell We'll be protected by this O' holy shell And together picked up if ever we fell I'll always look after you if you promise the same Like a two player life like video game Any time, any place, just give it a name I'll be ther for you to overcome the pain.

"Friendship"

You know some people tell me that the friendships on television aren't real.. It's just television.. but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where does television come from? As a writer myself, I can tell you that writers write from experience.. Many years ago I stated that I wanted to write a book called... "The Anti Friendship Book - When Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Each chapter was going to be a short story of it's own merit. Some where going to be my stories.. Some where going to be other peoples stories shared with me (with names changed) for the book sake.. This year for me has been an exodus.. An exodus of friends walking out of my life for various reason.. and just like my youth.. some of those reasons are crazy. Would you believe I once lost a friend because we had a fight over pronunciation? And when I was 19, my "best friend" slept with my other best friend who I thought I was in love with.. hence ending both friendships.. Ultimately my life has taught me one loud screaming message.. "Do not trust people." I've had my share of female friends who are only around when they're single, to friends who treat you in a way that you don't want to accept.. but you let them because you're trying to figure the answers.. Let's come back to that thought.. The book was going to be short stories.. Some a half page, some pages upon pages long.. Each would start with the characters meetings, their relationship blooming.. and the demise of the friendship.. and then anything crazy that happened afterwards. Amazingly enough, years after I started planning my idea I found a book by Liz Prior.. titled 'What Did I Do Wrong? - When Women Don't Tell Eachother The Friendsip is Over'. In the book Liz writes her own stories, and shares other womens about friendships that have mysteriously ended. She had a best friend who was her own bridesmaid, and shortly before the best friend got married, she did a disappearing act. I remember the day I saw the book on Amazon.. excitedly yelling inside 'THAT'S MY BOOK!' and I was bursting to recieve it. I submitted my own story to Liz at some point.. but since 2012 has been a new mass exodus of "friends" from my life.. (and I'm using the term semi loosely) I've decided that I am going to write the book afterall. Instead of writing it in a novel format, I'm going to write it in blog format. Each destroyed friendship is going to be a blog post of it's own.. Some will be my own stories.. Others will be stories given to me by others.. I will also be blogging my relationship and or dating failures as their own stories since most of them are reminiscent of Melrose Place. Like I've said before, The Bible says 'to have a friend is to be a friend' however my own experience has been.. To be a friend is to be used as a driver.. a driver for the one with kids and no car, a driver for the drunk who wants a free ride.. To b e a friend is to be ditched in a club by a friend on a date.. To be a friend is to be lied to or have people not make the effort to come to your birthday party. To be a friend is to listen to the patronising dramas and statemets saying 'oh we'll be there for you'.. hollow.. hollow.. hollow... I hope to build up a blog following.. and I hope to recieve your anti friendship stories too. xoxo Over and Out.

Done with friends, done with people.. done with you.

I've had to ask myself this question many times. What is it about me, that attracts people who treat me in a way that makes me sad. Having my confidences broken, makes me sad... Having friends that either make me do all the visiting their homes, and they never come to my home, or who expect me to call them, and they never call me.. makes me sad... Having friends who cancel on me last minute, makes me sad.. Having friends who ditch me in a club that I didn't even want to go to, and then leave me driving around the city for hours on end not knowing what has happened, makes me sad.. Having friends who disregard my feelings so much that they won't even show up to my birthday party.. makes me sad.. Having "friends" who won't even hit "like" on my business page, makes me sad.. Doing photographs for friends.. or should I say, "friends" and not even getting a single 'thank you these are great' or even 'thank you' makes me sad... Having a friend promise to help me with something I really need a hand with, and not show up or contact me at all to say they are not going to show up also makes me sad... It's important to me in friendships that I'm not the only person doing the calling, the visiting, and the giving of myself. There is a saying 'to have a friend is to be a friend first' but I just don't see that as true for me. So many times I invite people over, and they don't come, or they say my apartment is not enjoyable enough for them.. So many times I have people only call me because they want photographs. Sunday I had 2 "friends" not show up at all for me. The first was one who promised to help me with the bridal expo, and never showed up.. I texted her, called her, but she turned her phone off and ignored me.. Since then has been status updating how much fun she's having with other friends on her facebook.. The other was supposed to come over at night and never showed. I just want a couple of good girlfriends who don't make me feel crap about myself.. and the fact that this seems so difficult to find makes me wonder what is wrong with myself. There must be something wrong with me that I just can't find a nice girl friend to accept me for me.. who sees what is going on in my world as important, and who talks to me about what is going on in her world. This year has been a huge exodus for me.. One friendship ending after another.. and I've just reached the point where I only have 2 left.. and neither of them are in Australia.. Nobody knows how many tears I cry every week, every month, every year. Few know what it's likke to have not a soul to talk to. To go to concerts alone.. because you can't find a single friend to go with.. To go to a bar with a girl you can't stand, becuase you coudlnt find a friend you actually liked to go with you. To sit alone at church, week after week.. watching the happy families.. watching the 'bffs' hug eachother through the service.. Looking at the 2 girls from Sweden who are backpacking Australia together, however I had to travel alone.. Never being able to look forward to Christmas, because you don't have a family of your own, and you are tired of the ambarrassment of explaining to the 'good smaratians' family why you're at their family do on christmas day.. and well.. there's nothing to look forward to.. it's all gone. Theres so much hurt I have built up inside.. The friend who lives streets away, but refuses to help out by feeding my cats, the guy friend who ends the friendship because I won't date who he thinks I should date, and starts trying to pitch people against me? The girl who just ditches me and doesn't even bother to text me to say where she's gone and disappears... letting me waste hours of time looking for her, The friend who guilts me into lending her cds and then scratches them and loses the box, The friend who loses my gear and then doesn't want to replace it, and the friend who tells me 'you really need to get over your mothers death' The friend who says they really aren't interested in coming to my party, even though it's important to me, the friends who personally attack me because I don't feel teh way they feel on some of lifes topics.. The friend who I let stay with me for free, who met the love of their life through me, and then dumped on me and didn't even invite me to the wedding? Makes me feel really good! The sadness of being picked last on the baseball team, of being asked to come out just because they need an extra number in the group, the sadness of having nowhere to go at chrsitmas, the sadness of gettings crewed over.. it seems i have nobody left. I know i have the choice.. the cholice of keeping people in my life who treat me in a way that makes me feel bad.. or the choice to move on and pray... I don't know what my choie is.. but I float between wanting to be like Melanie Hamilton, and just seeing the good in people no matter what.. but I find myself with friends who don't value me.. (spreading rumours) my time (not showing up or texting) and just treating me poorly.. I can't keep subjecting my heart to it anymore, and have been considering my options. Interpret that as you like.. I'm sad and unsure where to go from here... and that is for sure. 2012.. the official exodus of every friend on the books!

Prophesies and such...

I'm going to blog the prophesies that have been spokn over me

Dead

I can fake the smile
but I can't hide the teras
The one who was there
for so many years
but now you're dead
you've gone away
'get over it, move on' they say
freinds have their own family
I'm on the outside
I can't make them care
that you're gone, coz you died
So holidays I must bare them alone
coz no longer can I call on your phone
Brady bunch family I wish that I was
but grew up with you, you're all that I got
so it makes me so mad and it makes me feel blue
when people say your death i should be over too
so i know that it hurts like the salt in the wound
coz i wont stop crying about your death anytime soon

Fleeting Thoughts

delete the past and all you've done
change your name to know noone
hide the sin forget the shame
run away from those that blame
build a shield of solid glass
self defense of all they ask
seeking silence on your side
explosive apprehension died
hollow walls of self control
starting fresh divisive goal
torture manifested self
of hatred honoured on a shelf
to start afresh from those you knew
a painful silence that once grew
and angry thought of solitude
to worry bout impending doom
a metal ball to smash the glass
and shards of shattered do they crash
for sharpness lays down on the floor
a drop of blood will come to pour
and opening a can of worms
individuality discerned
to seek a passageway to scream
to dig a tunnel to your dreams
and where you walk they stand and moan
coz they cant stand, that you stand alone

'Makes me alone"

misunderstood makes me alone
having no home, makes me alone
trapped in 4 walls, makes me alone
transient desires, make me alone
disparragement, makes me alone
the inability to fit in, makes me alone
being unique, makes me alone
individuality, makes me alone
my love of abstract, makes me alone
inability to conform, makes me alone
the desire to fit in, makes me alone
the desperation to leave, makes me alone
appreciating sences, makes me alone
breathing the air, makes me alone
lack of community, makes me alone
the need to feel, makes me alone
the need to bleed, makes me alone
not having somewhere i belong...
makes me alone

If Real Love Exists, It's Going to Have to Break my Nose

It's been a long week. A week of crying, a week of emotional despair. A week of writing sad poems, a week on the phone tearily to my closest girlfriends.
I have come to the end of Relationship 4.
Aaron, John, Glenn, Elliot..
4 men. 4 things in common. Broken promises. Statements promising to marry.. Promises to never leave.
I know in life there are things we can't change, or control. But what amazes me is how the few things I seek out of this life.. are just so rare..
What I seek in other human beings and especially out of a portential life partner or husband.. whatever you want to call it is this.. Honesty, Loyalty, Dependability, Reliability, and Consistency of Character.. I think it's time I add to that list and add on 'Integrity'

What breakups have I experienced? Well.. Aaron was in the hardware section of Kmart Armadale.. Every day we'd tell eachother we were eachothers best friends.. He was behaving in ways that when I analysed to myself.. were not cool.. His mum would be critical of me, and he wouldn't stand up for me.. a definate deal breaker for me... At the start of the relationship he was all gun ho about supporting my christian beliefs.. but by the end he was resentful of them.. It went from 'when we get married I'll come to church with you and the kids' to 'when we get married you can take the kids to church til they're 3.. then they have to decide for themselves'... And finances.. he didn't have a job for the first 5 months, and if he had money he'd spend it on himself. When he got a job he finally felt too good for me.. and moved on I guess.. Which is something the book 'he's just not that into you' says the jobless boyfriend will do!

Why did I stick around? He wrote me poems, and was good with his words.. He'd cook and spend hours talking to me every day.. But at the 3 month mark I discovered he had a photo of an ex girlfriend in his wallet.. behind some stuff. "I didn't know that was there!" he said!
He told me he never wrote his ex girlfriend any poems.. or told her he loved her, but that he did love her.. but never told her. I met her through a friend of her sisters.. one of my good guy friends had gone to school with Aaron and arranged the meeting.. She had dozens of poems he'd written and said that he said the 3 little words all the time.

I regret staying in that relationship past the 3 month mark.. It lasted 7 months.
The relationship was 7 months, and I wasted another 5 feeling sad about it!

The next 18 months was full of first dates.. and a lot of 'getting to know you's'
I remember a date when I was 22 with a 28 year old guy named Todd.. He was telling me all about his ex wife.. and how her pedophile fathers court case destroyed their marriage.. Needless to say there wasn't a date number 2.. Although he made a few random phonecalls to me at 11pm at night! To which my reply was.. 'why are you calling at 11pm at night?' !!!

I remember a night in a club where this guy Rowan looked a bit sad.. and I asked why and he said it was his birthday.. he'd just turned 19.. I tried to cheer him up and encouraged him to dance.. that turned into me getting stuck with him hanging around me.. I made the mistake of giving him my number.. again a mistake made out of pity! He texted me to say that he'd been thinking about suicide until he met me and I changed his life.. WOW I was onto a winner! I agreed to a half hour catch up with him.. at Mcdonalds.. and set my alarm and pretended a friend was in hospital! whenever he texted me after that I told him that my abusive ex boyfriend was back in my life and that I'd get in trouble if I was caught messaging him.. I tried to soften the blow.

I remember one morning I took my bike on the train around 6am on my way to work.. sleep in my eyes, no makeup, and a bike helmut, and I may not have even brushed my hair in such a hurry.. and I was hit on by an extremely cute guy who lived in apartments around the corner from me.. He must have asked for my number and he tried to get in touch with me a lot and one night I ended up catching up with him in his Star Wars obsessed apartment.. The guy was cute and very nice.. but he was as dumb as nails..
he had no IQ points whatsoever... I stopped answering his calls.
Being in his sheer presence regardless of how cute he was.. and how toned his abs were.. I felt like I was losing brain cells just being around him!

I was planning to travel to the states for 3 months.. New Orleans, Florida, OC/California and Seattle.. and Camp America and there was somebody I cared about over there so earnning, saving, working was my focus.

August before I was going to book my flights I had a stupid bike accident and broke my foot. That was it.. my savings disappeared very fast and I couldn't travel. This is one of the main reasons that I just don't gamble with skiing or other high risk sports.. I could no longer go to the states.. and.. I became sad!

Something that I honestly don't know is my downfall or a good thing to believe in.. but my belief in KISMET.. - destiny.. fate.. I will have to post a post on that in itself..
But a guy I had thought was maybe a little cute from my church had been showing some interest.
I will say if you don't believe in 'the rules' then you should.. I talked to him first I'm sure..
There were a few times that I asked if he was getting the train to church.. (we both worked in the city) and he was evasive and unconversational!
At the time I broke my foot he began visiting me.. apparently just as a good deed but that turned into more.. He began calling me with weird excuses.. like that his mother had a dozen eggs she didn't need and would I like them, or that he had a bag of oranges from his mothers farm that I might like to have..
Needless to say before long we ended up dating.. and it snowballed into a relationship.
He was critical of my lifestyle in terms of really bagging out my tiny urban apartment.. I lived within 4 miles of town... He had grown up on a farm.. To make the long story short after some preassure about how much he disliked my apartment he suggested I move in with 2 guys from church. The 3rd guy was moving out to get married and the other 2 couldn't afford the rent. I moved into the 2 story home and was paying $120 for the master bedroom.. when my apartment that was closer to the city was $100 for the whole place! 8 weeks later the guys said that they were not renewing the lease and I had nowhere to live. There was nowhere I was going to find another $100 a week apartment. His mother suggested I move into the rental property of theirs that he lived in and that she would move in until we got married.. That brought me to the next point.. Entrapment. Things in the relationship started to occur that made me very unhappy. Both him and his father pointed out things about my personal appearance that they didn't like.. His parents were again critical and there was no defence.. I felt trapped in the situation.. This time I had moved into an even smaller bedroom.. and had to get rid of a lot to fit into it!
We got engaged around that time and when we had the compulsory pre marital councelling sessions they did nothing but spark massive fights between us!

Knowing I didn't really love him and confused about my trapped situation I told him I didn't want children. What this really meant was "I don't want YOUR children' but I wasn't nasty enough to say that.. My friends asked me 'are you in love with him?" and I responded 'I don't think 'in love' exists.. it's just a Hollywood term...
I remember feeling ill saying that.. and just pushing it out of my mind.
There had been 3 men in my past whom I'd professed to being in love with.. In hindsite I am not sure I was in love with any of them but at the time I felt like it could have been..
Well one of them definateley wasn't.. The other 2.. (including Aaron) maybe were.. I thought they were at the time.. In fact at one time I thought I was in love with 2 guys at once and it was a horrible place to be. So this time around I'm saying I don't even feel like I'm in love.. Yikes! Alarm bells for my friend, but not so for me..

I spent many hours crying about my trapped situation, and calling girls asking if I should break up.. and the response I got was 'you're a cow.. he is so nice' - My mother was a fan of him.. 'oh you might regret it' and he and I even went to speak to 2 pastors about the fact that we didn't have a 'spark'
Bad advice unfortunately.. and 5 years later.. back to square one.
I would never have broken the promises I made despite my unhappiness.. but for men it seems it really is a challenge to find one who will keep his word. This guy played Xbox.. worked away, our marriage was long distance and he never called me.. EVER!
He worked away 2 weeks and was home for 1.. The relationship was a joke. When he was home he would choose XBox over me.. I could have been completely naked! so.. there you have it.
He walked out.. He left..

Evaluating Love

So how do you know you found the one?
What if there isn't one?
What if you could make it work with anybody at all.. What if it's just a matter of effort..?
Is there somebody who is made to be with you? By God... Like Eve for Adam?
If and when you find somebody who you love, how do you evaluate the love?
How do you decide if your life is worth handing over to them?
That might sound intense, but afterall isn't that what love is? You're handing over your life to a person.
No longer do you do it alone but you're doing it with another person.. forever... that's pretty massive.
So.. at the moment I am witnessing turmoil in the lives of friends. People I believed would last.. and be forever.. breaking up before me.
It feels like I'm standing in a magical land of ice.. but the world is warming and everything is melting and I fear for my own safety...
The line 'gamble everything for love' is so true because to love somebody is to put your heart in a jar of liquid nitrogen.. you're either going to have it softly and slowly warmed to the point that it's safely beating in their arms, or you're going to have it shattered beyond repair.. so damaged  that you need extra uper glue.

I'm rambling so I need to go. it's 1am.. but I would love some thoughts on this rheotirical metaphorical topic.

Beauty Tips for the Tired - Tricking people into not noticing you're not eating.

MINIMISE DARK CIRCLES
Vitamin K cream can reduce clotting which can assist in lightening of blood vessels.
Sleep with teabags on your eyes. The caffeine and coolness lessens blue tones as it constricts the vessels.
Sheer concealer can hide yellow tones.
Elevate your head in your sleep. When fluid collects under your eyes it creates a shadow.
Drink water and stay hydrated.

At parties hold your clutch in one hand and soda water in the other... then you can't hold food.
Have a small piece of cake the size of a match box and leave it at that.
Eat half a boiled egg and an apple before you go out to kurb hunger.
Stand far away from the food table and keep water and black coffee nearby.
Take mints with you and minted gum and brush your teeth more often.

Love, Mercy, and the Shattering of Ones Heart

I was talking to a much younger friend of mine on facebook tonight. We were chatting when she said (quote)

""nothing lasts forever" it's why I don't date.. I don't want to turn to despise the person I once loved the most."

 then after a while I logged onto okcupid.. the dating website and in their random selections of questions you can choose to answer I found
"If given the choice of a lifelong relationship with someone you would love but never have a lustful "spark" for or a few years of intense passion with someone you would love intensely, which would you choose?"First let's talk on the former quote. I think about the depth it carries.. and the 2 things it means... it means never getting hurt.. it means never being let down by the person you love, because you never give them a chance.. It also means never finding true love.. it also means never finding 'the one'.. if you never give anybody the chance to be.. Or it could protect her until the real 'one' comes into her life.. Shakespeare once said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Shakespeare also said that somebody who has already fallen in love is more likely to fall in love again than somebody who never has.

Let's look at the question from the dating website.. the author of the question seems to be implying that you either have to settle for a mediocre 'love' that is not 'in love' and not full of intense desire.. OR be in a short term relationship filled with desire but no longevity.. Why can't you hope for the best of every world and hold out until you get it.. Why can't you end up with somebody you're crazy about?

I'll explore these arguments more in later posts! 

Uninvited love..

As most girls know, there comes a time in a lot of opposite sex freindships where one person crosses a boundary. This could be your male friend, or your boyfriends female friend.. Let's hope in this case that it's your male friend.
Four years ago I was in a relationship. Four years ago I had a male friend that I had lunch with most days.. Caught up with regularly.. and thought of only in platonic ways.
After this 'E-mail' which I am about to share, the friendship was ruined. I chose to continue as if nothing had happened, but he confessed he never really wanted friendship afterall.
I didn't believe the 'it's too painful' excuse.. but rather assume that his friendship was never real to begin with.

Poem from a male friend.

Sent: Thursday, November 22, 2007 3:29 PM

Subject: Truth. you don't want to hear it though.

Confusion.

Things that you don't understand and know.

like how my feelings for you seem to grow.

With every look that comes my way.

with every smile from you each day.

With every remark that leaves a fresh scar.

Which burns red hot, like a shooting star.

with every touch of your soft, gentle skin.

Slowly but surely pulling me in to sin.

Feelings are hard, when trying to hide,

Afraid to get to close and let you inside.

I know if i did. I'd be exposing myself.

Just like one of your barbies, stuck on a shelf.

I shouldn't tell you these things that i write.

And that I'm just acting the fool, yet another night

I'm not trying to confuse you or mess with your head.

I'm being genuine. and an honest guy instead.

I'm telling you this. as i feel that i must

My neck in a noose. cos I don't displace trust.

To go on, and lie, and not tell you how i feel.

was pointless, you already knew. Now its Just real.

If you didn't know, Then I'm sorry for this letter.

But in the end. knowing the truth is always better

I know your heart will never lie with me.

Your taken, In love. I know we'll never be.

But know that i care. and I'm here as a friend.

I'll be here for you. From now till the end.

I know that you'll now turn your back on me.

But honest i was, The truth you now see.

There. i wrote this earlier today.

Its all true. It explains why i may be weird around you. why i might hold back. and why i may not.

You wanted to know. I know that by me telling you the truth. you will most likely freak out, and never talk to me again. hence the reason you don't tell a beautiful taken woman that you think she's great and that you have a crush on her, and live to tell about it. :(

I didn't want to vote for you. cos i didn't want you to leave.

Have a great night sky.