November 2011 -Poem

I don't feel good I don't feel ok I'm downright sick of your using ways you ask for help I come and then you turn off your phone if I need a friend You think you're cool you think you're fine when it comes to birthdays you're first in line to ask me over coz you want gifts or call me up when you're needing a lift you ask for money won't chip in to help with birthdays or funerals you hide on the shelf you take and take and take some more but using is what youre best for you won't housesit or help me out but if you need help you'll scream and shout prepared to take not prepared to give coz absorbing everybody is the only way to live

First Boyfriend - 3 Month Poem

When my first boyfriend and I had our 3 month anniversary.. He didn't remember. It seems that's not all he didn't remember. It slipped his mind that he had photographs of an ex in his wallet.. I think this poem was an attempt to make up for that.. However the relationship really should have ended there. :) Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 9:21 PM Subject: Hello. Well, sorry I didn't send this to you yesterday, just something I wrote out for three months of going out. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a lot more "three month" poems. I love you so much. What's one love when there's two involved What's one dove when there's a flock of gold It's individuality and it's love evolved Both are so priceless they can never be sold Both take hard work and dedication Both when at peak are worth celebration Both when looked up at can cause revolution A whole new nation, a whole new solution Troubles and pains will still come in onslaught But that's what life's about, it's constantly bought But it'll be beat down 'cuase that's what we have sought All it takes is one love and only two thoughts Two souls to infuse as one to survive And if god honouring at his feet they'll arrive Both still together never to divide both will always be eternally alive That's how I guarantee you'll not go to hell We'll make it together, listen when I tell We'll be protected by this O' holy shell And together picked up if ever we fell I'll always look after you if you promise the same Like a two player life like video game Any time, any place, just give it a name I'll be ther for you to overcome the pain.

"Friendship"

You know some people tell me that the friendships on television aren't real.. It's just television.. but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where does television come from? As a writer myself, I can tell you that writers write from experience.. Many years ago I stated that I wanted to write a book called... "The Anti Friendship Book - When Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Each chapter was going to be a short story of it's own merit. Some where going to be my stories.. Some where going to be other peoples stories shared with me (with names changed) for the book sake.. This year for me has been an exodus.. An exodus of friends walking out of my life for various reason.. and just like my youth.. some of those reasons are crazy. Would you believe I once lost a friend because we had a fight over pronunciation? And when I was 19, my "best friend" slept with my other best friend who I thought I was in love with.. hence ending both friendships.. Ultimately my life has taught me one loud screaming message.. "Do not trust people." I've had my share of female friends who are only around when they're single, to friends who treat you in a way that you don't want to accept.. but you let them because you're trying to figure the answers.. Let's come back to that thought.. The book was going to be short stories.. Some a half page, some pages upon pages long.. Each would start with the characters meetings, their relationship blooming.. and the demise of the friendship.. and then anything crazy that happened afterwards. Amazingly enough, years after I started planning my idea I found a book by Liz Prior.. titled 'What Did I Do Wrong? - When Women Don't Tell Eachother The Friendsip is Over'. In the book Liz writes her own stories, and shares other womens about friendships that have mysteriously ended. She had a best friend who was her own bridesmaid, and shortly before the best friend got married, she did a disappearing act. I remember the day I saw the book on Amazon.. excitedly yelling inside 'THAT'S MY BOOK!' and I was bursting to recieve it. I submitted my own story to Liz at some point.. but since 2012 has been a new mass exodus of "friends" from my life.. (and I'm using the term semi loosely) I've decided that I am going to write the book afterall. Instead of writing it in a novel format, I'm going to write it in blog format. Each destroyed friendship is going to be a blog post of it's own.. Some will be my own stories.. Others will be stories given to me by others.. I will also be blogging my relationship and or dating failures as their own stories since most of them are reminiscent of Melrose Place. Like I've said before, The Bible says 'to have a friend is to be a friend' however my own experience has been.. To be a friend is to be used as a driver.. a driver for the one with kids and no car, a driver for the drunk who wants a free ride.. To b e a friend is to be ditched in a club by a friend on a date.. To be a friend is to be lied to or have people not make the effort to come to your birthday party. To be a friend is to listen to the patronising dramas and statemets saying 'oh we'll be there for you'.. hollow.. hollow.. hollow... I hope to build up a blog following.. and I hope to recieve your anti friendship stories too. xoxo Over and Out.

Done with friends, done with people.. done with you.

I've had to ask myself this question many times. What is it about me, that attracts people who treat me in a way that makes me sad. Having my confidences broken, makes me sad... Having friends that either make me do all the visiting their homes, and they never come to my home, or who expect me to call them, and they never call me.. makes me sad... Having friends who cancel on me last minute, makes me sad.. Having friends who ditch me in a club that I didn't even want to go to, and then leave me driving around the city for hours on end not knowing what has happened, makes me sad.. Having friends who disregard my feelings so much that they won't even show up to my birthday party.. makes me sad.. Having "friends" who won't even hit "like" on my business page, makes me sad.. Doing photographs for friends.. or should I say, "friends" and not even getting a single 'thank you these are great' or even 'thank you' makes me sad... Having a friend promise to help me with something I really need a hand with, and not show up or contact me at all to say they are not going to show up also makes me sad... It's important to me in friendships that I'm not the only person doing the calling, the visiting, and the giving of myself. There is a saying 'to have a friend is to be a friend first' but I just don't see that as true for me. So many times I invite people over, and they don't come, or they say my apartment is not enjoyable enough for them.. So many times I have people only call me because they want photographs. Sunday I had 2 "friends" not show up at all for me. The first was one who promised to help me with the bridal expo, and never showed up.. I texted her, called her, but she turned her phone off and ignored me.. Since then has been status updating how much fun she's having with other friends on her facebook.. The other was supposed to come over at night and never showed. I just want a couple of good girlfriends who don't make me feel crap about myself.. and the fact that this seems so difficult to find makes me wonder what is wrong with myself. There must be something wrong with me that I just can't find a nice girl friend to accept me for me.. who sees what is going on in my world as important, and who talks to me about what is going on in her world. This year has been a huge exodus for me.. One friendship ending after another.. and I've just reached the point where I only have 2 left.. and neither of them are in Australia.. Nobody knows how many tears I cry every week, every month, every year. Few know what it's likke to have not a soul to talk to. To go to concerts alone.. because you can't find a single friend to go with.. To go to a bar with a girl you can't stand, becuase you coudlnt find a friend you actually liked to go with you. To sit alone at church, week after week.. watching the happy families.. watching the 'bffs' hug eachother through the service.. Looking at the 2 girls from Sweden who are backpacking Australia together, however I had to travel alone.. Never being able to look forward to Christmas, because you don't have a family of your own, and you are tired of the ambarrassment of explaining to the 'good smaratians' family why you're at their family do on christmas day.. and well.. there's nothing to look forward to.. it's all gone. Theres so much hurt I have built up inside.. The friend who lives streets away, but refuses to help out by feeding my cats, the guy friend who ends the friendship because I won't date who he thinks I should date, and starts trying to pitch people against me? The girl who just ditches me and doesn't even bother to text me to say where she's gone and disappears... letting me waste hours of time looking for her, The friend who guilts me into lending her cds and then scratches them and loses the box, The friend who loses my gear and then doesn't want to replace it, and the friend who tells me 'you really need to get over your mothers death' The friend who says they really aren't interested in coming to my party, even though it's important to me, the friends who personally attack me because I don't feel teh way they feel on some of lifes topics.. The friend who I let stay with me for free, who met the love of their life through me, and then dumped on me and didn't even invite me to the wedding? Makes me feel really good! The sadness of being picked last on the baseball team, of being asked to come out just because they need an extra number in the group, the sadness of having nowhere to go at chrsitmas, the sadness of gettings crewed over.. it seems i have nobody left. I know i have the choice.. the cholice of keeping people in my life who treat me in a way that makes me feel bad.. or the choice to move on and pray... I don't know what my choie is.. but I float between wanting to be like Melanie Hamilton, and just seeing the good in people no matter what.. but I find myself with friends who don't value me.. (spreading rumours) my time (not showing up or texting) and just treating me poorly.. I can't keep subjecting my heart to it anymore, and have been considering my options. Interpret that as you like.. I'm sad and unsure where to go from here... and that is for sure. 2012.. the official exodus of every friend on the books!

Prophesies and such...

I'm going to blog the prophesies that have been spokn over me

Dead

I can fake the smile
but I can't hide the teras
The one who was there
for so many years
but now you're dead
you've gone away
'get over it, move on' they say
freinds have their own family
I'm on the outside
I can't make them care
that you're gone, coz you died
So holidays I must bare them alone
coz no longer can I call on your phone
Brady bunch family I wish that I was
but grew up with you, you're all that I got
so it makes me so mad and it makes me feel blue
when people say your death i should be over too
so i know that it hurts like the salt in the wound
coz i wont stop crying about your death anytime soon

Fleeting Thoughts

delete the past and all you've done
change your name to know noone
hide the sin forget the shame
run away from those that blame
build a shield of solid glass
self defense of all they ask
seeking silence on your side
explosive apprehension died
hollow walls of self control
starting fresh divisive goal
torture manifested self
of hatred honoured on a shelf
to start afresh from those you knew
a painful silence that once grew
and angry thought of solitude
to worry bout impending doom
a metal ball to smash the glass
and shards of shattered do they crash
for sharpness lays down on the floor
a drop of blood will come to pour
and opening a can of worms
individuality discerned
to seek a passageway to scream
to dig a tunnel to your dreams
and where you walk they stand and moan
coz they cant stand, that you stand alone